Not Again! Yes, Again

MarilynDavisatTIERSStarred Page By MarilynDavisatTIERS, 20th Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Guides>Personal Development>Self-awareness

“Do it again. Play it again. Sing it again. Read it again. Write it again. Sketch it again. Rehearse it again. Run it again. Try it again. Because again is practice, and practice is improvement, and improvement only leads to perfection.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway

Why is This Happening Again?

Many of us think, “I’ve been here before”, in our interactions and experiences with people socially or professionally, typically when we have experienced less than favorable outcomes.

However, do we spend enough time reflecting on what our part was in the unfavorable interaction? Alternatively, do we simply chalk it up to bad timing, their fault, or the illusions that we have no responsibility in our outcomes? Have some behaviors simply become our patterns or unhealthy habits?

It is often a distorted recollection of our actions and the past or an unconscious pattern of behaviors that prevents us from learning and making different choices hoping for different outcomes.

Mirror Image or Opportunity for New?

We have all asked ourselves why circumstances turn out negatively for us, or why the same types of outcomes keep happening to us. We may create the illusion that we are born under a bad sign, we are unlucky, or the universe does not like us. We sometimes begrudge the recurring lessons that life is offering us.

However, if these life lessons did not recur or happen again, we would not have an opportunity to do something differently.

Welcome an Opportunity to Do Something Different

I have written about my addiction in multiple articles. During that phase of my life, I was self-centered, greedy, inconsiderate and immoral.

Reflecting on my actions and recognizing the futility of them, when I got into recovery, I made the effort to change, thus breaking many seemingly ingrained patterns of thoughts and behaviors.

However, without an opportunity for similar situations to occur in my life where I could behave, think and act from different motivations, I would not be able to rectify the harm and chaos I created in my use.

I had an opportunity to create another impression of my actions with others when the gift of second chances happened.

Similar Life Situations

Similar life situations are not just about the times we behaved poorly. We have sometimes been the injured party. When these life situations occur, there is a familiar quality in the experience as well.

There are people in life that are just unhealthy for us to interact with; however, we have never been able to distance ourselves from them. Some reasons for this might include the following:

We did not want them angry with us for refusing them something
• We did not want to hurt their feelings by not acquiescing to their requests
• We thought we should not state the truth to them


As a result, the same types of people seem to gravitate into our world, or we are attracted to this type of person – someone who seems only to take, never giving.

Been There, Done That

When you find yourself thinking, “I’ve been here before”, reflect on the outcome of past situations from the perspective of your actions, your words, and your attitude and then determine if you liked the outcome or not.

For instance, you have been overly helpful to friends in the past; doing things for them that were inconvenient for you, or they took advantage of your generosity. You now have someone in your office that complains about all she has to do and asks you babysit so she can go grocery shopping.

You can sympathize with her, as you understand the demands of being a single mom, so you decide that you can do this, and then find out that she did not go grocery shopping, instead went out to dinner and a movie without telling you of her change in plans. In the past, you would have been hurt and angry inside; however, you would not voice these feelings. Instead, you would harbor resentment towards this person.

Learning that it is acceptable to say, “No” in a caring manner, to create personal boundaries, and realizing that not sugar coating or withholding the truth is better in the end, can make similar situations different.

When Our Egos are Hurt, We React Poorly

Think about the time that your boss made unreasonable demands on your time or a friend gossiped about you. Did you react poorly to them? Instead of discussing the time constraints with your boss, you seethed inside at his demanding and unreasonable expectations for overtime.

You started acting in a passive-aggressive manner and started coming into work later than normal. Your pattern of passive-aggressive behaviors might be to indirectly demonstrate your resistance to the demands of your supervisor or procrastinate and cause everyone, including your supervisor to be inconvenienced, instead of talking about the situation directly.

Because you were hurt, you did not talk directly to the friend to determine if there was conflict between you, instead, you started rumors about him or her, even knowing that they were untrue.

You were hurt and reacted poorly. With reflection, the pattern of not handling your feelings and being honest with people would become apparent.

How Do Successful People Handle Similar Situations?

People who learn from their mistakes do things and handle situations differently than they did when they did not like the former outcomes. They do not continue with the behaviors, attitudes, or actions that got them negative consequences; they quit butting their heads up against the brick wall! They resolve to:

• Learn from their mistakes
• Make the effort to evaluate what happened
• Determine why something fell apart, and/or
• Do things differently if they have another opportunity.

New Opportunities Each Day

So this time, you tell your co-worker that you felt manipulated and used and although you are afraid that she will be mad at you for saying something, your old pattern needs to be broken for you to change.

Each time that the same life lesson comes your way, you have an opportunity to change and do something differently.

When you view each life lesson as an opportunity to act from a place of confidence, love, tolerance and benefit for both parties, you will have made great strides in changing. When you respond differently and do not react in your predictable manner, it can make any of the “Not Again Opportunities” enjoyable and valuable. You can experience gratitude for the experience happening again.




For additional articles by Marilyn Davis

Each person has a unique voice and Wikinut is a place for you to share your wisdom, humor, insight and knowledge. Join, write and become connected to others who share a passion for writing, supporting one another, and learning on Wikinut.


Credits
All images from Pixabay

Tags

Acting Differently, Changing Habits, Changing Outcomes, Changing Patterns Of Behavior, Changing Reactions, Different Life Outcomes, Do Something Different, Recurring Life Situations, Responding Not Reacting, Similar Situations - Different Outcomes

Meet the author

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
A Certified Addiction Recovery Empowerment Specialist, with 25 years of abstinence-based recovery. I write about addictions, recovery, life lessons and general writing tips.

Share this page

moderator Mark Gordon Brown moderated this page.
If you have any complaints about this content, please let us know

Comments

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
20th Mar 2014 (#)

Good afternoon, Mark, thank you for moderating and the Star. I appreciate both. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar spirited
20th Mar 2014 (#)

"Each time that the same life lesson comes your way, you have an opportunity to change and do something differently."

The first step is to notice that this has happened again, the second is to want to change it, the third is to change it.

I tend to exaggerate my remembrances of past events. I've noticed this, others have pointed it out to me too.

But I do like to embellish, it seems in order to give me a boost/belief that my life was not so mundane after all.

I still exaggerate, the boost to my ego is still more valuable to me than my growth out of this habit, apparently.

There are other factors though, exaggerating makes me feel important too, and so I leave my depressed state for a while then too.

I guess you have been through all of this type of reaction though Marilyn, you seem very centred in your sensibility now.

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
20th Mar 2014 (#)

Good evening, Spirited, you seem to understand quite a few things about yourself. We are all willing to pay a cost for our behaviors so long as the payoff is sufficient to compensate us on some level for it. Until your exaggeration costs you more than you receive, you probably will continue with it; there is no judgment in that comment, simply observation. Perhaps it is the nature of writers and poets to exaggerate and we sometimes forget that people’s reaction to our fiction is different from their reactions to reality.
Thanks for sharing. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar spirited
20th Mar 2014 (#)

"Until your exaggeration costs you more than you receive"

This is a crucial statement of course, but the exaggeration also exaggerates the benefits of doing so onto its side. A double whammy.

I feel bad about exaggerating, it has cost me many friends, but I still do it to compensate the bad feeling I get from the guilt from losing those friends.

The temporary fix is still of more benefit to me than the long term growth I think for now.

Immediate gratification blankets out all other factors it seems for now.

Sorry about the long post, but this toing and froing might also help other readers to understand the deepness of this problem.

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
20th Mar 2014 (#)

Good evening, Spirited. Regardless of the length, if this helps you frame your decisions, then it is worth it. If it helps others understand, then it is a good use of time, energy and effort. Blessings. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar cnwriter..carolina
21st Mar 2014 (#)

another of your pages that reflect to so many how to become more functional in their lives..you are a fount of knowledge dear Marilyn and you also are willing to lay yourself open which is a rare and beautiful thing to do...kudos and much loving too...sharing

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Good evening, Carolina, thank you so much for the kind words and love and kudos back to you as well. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar Steve Kinsman
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Learn from mistakes and do things differently - great advice. Great post. Great star page.

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Good evening, Steve, I appreciate you stopping by and the kind words. I have some catching up to do with my reading and you are definitely on my list. Are you experiencing anything like spring yet? ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Wonderful and Interesting post!

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Good evening, Fern, I am so pleased that you take the time to read and comment. I means a great deal to me, thank you friend. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar madugundurukmini
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Something Different, to read very well

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Good morning, Madugundurukmini, thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate both. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar wonder
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Very good life's lessons,to keep us on guard.

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
21st Mar 2014 (#)

Good morning, Wonder, I like that phrase - keeping us on guard - we can get complacent sometimes and not be on our guard for the barriers within us that create less than ideal outcomes. Thank you for phrasing it that way. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
24th Mar 2014 (#)

I have observed how successful people overcome obstacles. They don't give up, are tactful, and have clear goals. For most others, me included, we try to give a shoulder for others to find solace and go out of the way to help them. The world comes with infinite variety and we should be satisfied with the choices we make in life. You have seen life in its entirety to share your wisdom, thanks Marilyn - siva

Reply to this comment

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
24th Mar 2014 (#)

Good morning, Siva, I appreciate that you share accurate observations and life lessons in your comments. You always add value to the article with them. Thank you. ~Marilyn

Reply to this comment

author avatar Phyl Campbell
25th Mar 2014 (#)

My last comment on another Wikinutter's article spoke directly to this -- not again! Trying to not repeat mistakes, and letting go of stuff in order to cleanse and renew. In my case literally, but the figurative is all tied up in it, as so often happens.

Reply to this comment

Add a comment
Username
Can't login?
Password